I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser
No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."