What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
I like to stop the microwave at 1 second left just to feel like a bomb-defuser.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle