If a woman falls, an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.