I would rather be violently murdered in my sleep than going out with you!
If I'm about to die, keep me alive. I wanna be a burden, I want my feet clean, I want my diaper changed.
Stop hash-tagging every word in your tweets!
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive
I prayed for a bicycle, but God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and asked for forgiveness.
Father's day is by far the most confusing day in the ghetto.
Difference between proposing? The guy gets on one knee to propose.... The girl just says: "I'm pregnant"